Last week, in a bid to let my Home Defenders customers get to know me better, I made a list of modern innovations an old-fashioned guy like me never wants to see. Here’s more:
>> Corporate sponsored government —
DMV employee: Don’t raise your voice, sir, it’s not my fault the system overbooked your driving appointment.
Citizen: But I need my driver’s license today!
DMV employee (sarcastically): Look, sir, your can always take your complaint to the President.
Citizen (frustrated): Sure—as if a peon like me could get ahold of the President of the United States of Amazon.com!
Actually, there would likely be no difference whatsoever between corporate government and the bureaucratic kind we have now, so innovate away.
>>N.W.F.L. — (National Women’s Football League) Call me sexist if you want, but I’m not interested in watching women banging heads. Unless it’s that lingerie league, which leads me to the last innovation I never want to see …
>>Mens’ Lingerie League — Please, in the name of all that is holy, can’t we all come to our senses and just say no. Thank you in advance.
>>Robo-Cat Mouse Terminator — Sure, it sounds cool—I could picture one with Bengal tiger stripes and razor-sharp titanium teeth—but wouldn’t you rather see a smiling Home Defender at your door, flashlight in hand, ready to find all the tiny openings that allow mice to enter your home? Sure, that sounds old-fashioned, but it’s time-tested and you don’t have to drag your mechanical mouse catcher back to the store and argue with some tech guy about how the Robo-Cat’s battery dies after twenty minutes.
We bug guys may just be flesh and blood, but we run on the best battery of all: The exhilarating thrill of the chase.