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Where have all the ants, spiders, and rodents gone? Did we do something to offend them? Are we the only pest free community on Earth? Like the nutty guy in old Dracula movies says, “If this is true, it’s the most fantastic thing in the world!” 

But no, it’s not fantastic, pests are crawling all over the mountain, as usual. I just haven’t written about them lately because it’s more fun to write about grandpa’s chicken house, grandma’s rhubarb patch, homemade peach cobbler, and all the other back home things I’ve been writing about lately. Well, summer is almost here now and my mind is firmly back on bugs, so bye, bye, Americana cobbler, hello, pest advice for homeowners:

Only you—Hot summer days drive thirsty pests into your home, so if you see pests, don’t worry, you’re not the only one. And if you are the only one who doesn’t see pests, well, then…you’re the only one.

It was the Trilateral Commission, man!—Homeowners are usually correct when they say, “Mike, I’ve got bugs!” but when they try to identify the pest they ramble like guys who stay up night after night watching that Zapruder film. Here’s what our technicians need to know: a) What exactly are you seeing, hearing, or smelling? b) When did it start? Please, folks, save yourself a lot of teeth gnashing and let us identify the assassin, er, pest. 

Just the frass, ma’am—If you see a pile of droppings or sawdust, called “frass,” please don’t clean it up before our tech arrives. If you must tidy up, put the evidence in a baggie. Pest management is like a murder investigation and we Home Defenders need to see as much evidence as possible. 

And for you readers who prefer my articles to be about down home, Midwestern stuff, don’t worry—I’ve got a great story about my grandma’s sweet potato pie and my cousin Bobby’s ’67 Mustang that I’m just dying to share.

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