Posts Categorized: Uncategorized

He called me to share his pest management story. “My neighbor Mary had a squirrel living in her attic,” he said, “and since our local pest company (in Jacksonville, Illinois) doesn’t do animal control, I offered her a helping hand. When I got to her house, I checked the eaves, and quickly saw a hole… Read more »

Good morning, sports fans, this is Mike Greensmith on ESPN. Today my message is simple: thank you NFL draft—you’re the only thing we have to talk about. With me are Bobby “Basher” Jones and Chad Wentworth III. Gentlemen, give me your draft predictions. Basher: I predict that number one pick Joe Burrow will be out… Read more »

Good morning, sports fans, this is Mark Greensmith live on ESPN. After months without sports, we’ve run out of things to talk about, but today we feature a fiery debate between football legends linebacker Bobby “Basher” Jones and former Ivy League quarterback Chad Wentworth III. Question: Who would win a race up a tree: legendary… Read more »

Governor’s spokesperson: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Fresh off his humanitarian aid sabbatical, may I present the governor of our great state: “Well, hello, everybody. Wow, you all look younger—how did you do that? Anyway, we’re turning the corner on this pandemic and the polls are looking good, so… regarding my previous press conference. It… Read more »

Governor’s spokesperson: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. May I present the governor for his daily COVID-19 briefing: “Well, this coronavirus thing is going in the crapper and the latest polls make it clear that unless this virus takes a U-turn into outer space every elected official on earth is getting booted out of office.” (The… Read more »

Writing these articles is a real mind trip. Every week I write words and every week you readers bring those words to life inside your head. So, in some sense, you have a little storyteller rooting around your brain. But, please,  don’t let that stop you from reading. I’m as harmless as a dormouse. Anyway,… Read more »

Governor’s spokesperson: “Good morning, TV viewers and members of the press. May I present the governor of California.” “Thanks, Rick. After consulting with the esteemed Dr. Fauci—Billy Bob Fauci from Tru TV’s hit show Hollywood Horse Doctor—as well as pundits from the pest control industry, I have decided to issue a stay-in-nest order for all… Read more »

I’ve done it. I’ve finally found a place free from the coronavirus crisis and it’s smack dab in the haunts of the Wolfman himself. Crazy times, indeed. I left my home in Arrowhead last week to check on my Big Bear cabin and, as I pulled up my driveway, I was thrilled to see that… Read more »

“Come gather round people wherever you roam/And admit that the waters around you have grown.” —Bob Dylan For the first few days of the coronavirus crisis, I was in a mild state of shock, and I dealt with the stress mostly by cracking jokes. Yesterday, though, the cobwebs in my head cleared, and here’s what… Read more »

I’ve always been fascinated by Mother Nature’s deadliest creatures. When I was a boy, I loved sharks, snakes, tigers—the more fearsome, the better. My tastes are more genteel now, tempered by the sands of time and tide. Here’s some beneficial mountain bugs you’ll be happy to see: Snakeflies—These sleek flying insects prey on your most… Read more »