Good morning, sports fans, this is Mike Greensmith on ESPN. Today my message is simple: thank you NFL draft—you’re the only thing we have to talk about. With me are Bobby “Basher” Jones and Chad Wentworth III. Gentlemen, give me your draft predictions.
Basher: I predict that number one pick Joe Burrow will be out of the league in three years, but… he’ll break the gender barrier and be the first man to win the Miss America contest in 2024.
Chad: That’s ridiculous, Basher! Men are banned from the Miss America contest… look, it’s right here in the rule book.
Basher: You just carry around the Miss America rule book, bro?
Chad: It’s called being prepared, Basher! And I predict that the winner of the 2024 Miss America contest will be Zazza Zubozizz of Belize and she’ll break the alphabet barrier and be the first Miss America with seven Z’s in her name.
Basher: You just made that up because I mentioned Miss America first.
Hey, man, let’s talk about real sports where grown men punch each other in the face and stomp on throats.
Chad: So, you don’t consider fencing a real sport?
Basher: Do grown men smash each other in the face and stomp on throats?
Chad: They fight with swords, like musketeers—the original macho men.
Basher: Those guys that wear yoga tights and curly mustaches? Come on, man! (The arguing continues for two more hours.)
Mike: OK, gentlemen, that’s all the time we have today. And, as long as we’re making predictions, I predict that later today the entire United States will be plunged into a massive sinkhole, and, furthermore, LeBron James will fly around the globe à la Superman, dive into the earth, do a Euro step past molten lava, and lift the U.S. back into place… as the crowd goes wild! We’ll see you folks tomorrow when we’ll completely ignore today’s predictions and come up with new ones. Oh, and don’t panic during the sinkhole event, LeBron is on his way. Have a pleasant day.