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Our mountain’s most hated critter has a way of showing up in the darnedest places… just ask a guy with a backed up colon. 

I’m standing in front of a community bulletin board in Ojai, California—that famed epicenter of New Age thinking—and I’m looking over an assortment of fliers promoting “Colonic Cleansing” and “Primal Scream Therapy” and a “Men’s Empowerment Drum Circle.” To me, these techniques seem hokey, but who knows, maybe there’s some benefit. Anyway, pinned in the middle of this choppy sea of leaflets is a business card that asks the burning question: “Got Gophers?”

Ah, gophers, the one creature that unites humankind regardless of faith, creed, politics… or tolerance for sitting in a circle and beating on drums with a bunch of guys whose girlfriends want them out of the house for a few hours. Or vice versa.

On our mountain, conventional thinking says that gophers go dormant in the winter, and they mostly do, but even in January and February we get service calls from customers who see the dreaded gopher mounds in their yards. For a few determined gophers, it takes more than a snowstorm to put a stop to their subterranean shenanigans.

It’s spring and gophers—Mother Nature’s ultimate empowered animals— are doing pushups and jumping jacks, cutting back on carbs, and getting psyched to destroy all flowers. Some homeowners will fight the beasts with organic repellents, others will use beeping electronic devices, and some will just buy poison at the hardware store. Many will call our office and get a free evaluation to protect and empower their precious flowers. We use the latest techniques, including my new invention, the “Home Defenders Men’s Empowerment Primal Scream Gopher-Repelling Drum Circle.”

That should scare off any animal with a brain.

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