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I was reading a news network’s internet page where thousands of people were sounding off on a controversial political story when a light bulb went off in my head: the key to attracting readers is to get political. Why didn’t I think of that before? Here are three political views that will get your blood boiling—making me the most talked about business owner on the mountain. Get ready to get angry!

Controversy #1: I think Congress should pass a law requiring all children wear dog collars. Why? Why not? They’re kids—they have no right to vote, why should they have a right to roam the streets dog collar free? What kind of collars? Oh, nylon, leather… though the metal-studded ones that pit-bulls wear shall be deemed acceptable. Hey parents, are you angry? Of course you are—now climb to the mountaintop and cry out loud!

Controversy #2: I believe we need a law that prohibits women from driving after 10 p.m. Come on, ladies, it’s for your own good—all the pervs come out at night. Think of all the money society will save not having to prosecute pervs. Are you mad as hornets, ladies? Of course you are! It’s the most sexist law ever. You are woman let me hear you roar!

Controversy #3: I strongly feel that we should pass a law requiring blue-eyed people pay a supplemental income tax to compensate for all the advantages society bestows on them. Right Paul Newman? Right Frank Sinatra? Have you ever heard of “Ol’ Green Eyes?” Nope, because people don’t like folks with green eyes. Get tweeting, people. Get angry!

Well, that should increase my readership, and if not… I advocate a law that requires elderly people wear clothes made entirely of bubble wrap. Think of all the money society will save in broken bone surgeries. Have an angry week, everyone!

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