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Good morning, sports fans, this is Mark Greensmith live on ESPN. After months without sports, we’ve run out of things to talk about, but today we feature a fiery debate between football legends linebacker Bobby “Basher” Jones and former Ivy League quarterback Chad Wentworth III. Question: Who would win a race up a tree: legendary running back Jim Brown or a raccoon with a sprained ankle?

Basher: Is this a cedar tree or an oak? Cause oak branches are twisty and that might change the dynamo.

Mark: I’m assuming you meant “dynamic.” Let’s call it a cedar.

Basher: No disrespect to Jim Brown, but even a tri-legged raccoon would would race up that tree lickety-quick like an bat outta Bill Belichick’s butt… unless Jim were wearing special “raccoon claw gloves.” 

Chad: Your English is making my head spin, Basher. I’m calling an audible: Omaha, Omaha—proper English, please—hut, hut!

Basher: You call out my English again, Chad, and I’ll squash you like a Monday morning pimple.

Chad: That’s not even a thing, bro. 

Basher: The hell it ain’t… it’s when you drink too much beer on the weekend and you wake up Monday morning in an Appalachian outhouse and your face is covered in pimples.

Chad: That may not be acne, Basher, but, anyway, what’s your underlying theory of spatial dynamics? I did major in physics at Yale, you know. 

Basher: Well, Chad, I majored in common-damn-sense at the university of kiss-my-ass and my underlying theory is raccoons are built to climb trees and humans are built to pick up stuff that falls from trees.

Chad: Jim Brown would race up that tree with the winged feet of Hermes, the Greek god of travel. (Two hours pass.)

Mark: OK, we’re out of time—thank God! Tune in tomorrow to learn: would legendary pillager Attila the Hun excel at boxing or ice hockey. Until then… please come back, sports, anything…  North Korean ping-pong… anything but the WNBA and whooooaaaaa, I’m just kidding, ladies. 

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