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I just spoke with a regular Pest Pro reader who said, “I read your crazy articles every week.” And that’s not the first time someone’s described my articles as “crazy”.

What’s going on? I work hard to write a serious entomological column, complete with Latin names for bugs. And I was an English major, well-read in Chaucer and Shakespeare. Are some readers misinterpreting something? Missing something? Are my articles a Rorschach test into their own psyches?

None of my articles could be described as crazy. If you don’t believe me, just ask my imaginary companion since childhood, a pet rat named Cornelius. Hey Cornelius, do you think my articles are crazy?

CORNELIUS: Negatory on that, good buddy.

You see! He agrees with me. This is just a typical pest advice column, as dry and sterile as a surgeon’s scalpel. Right, Cornelius?

CORNELIUS: 10-4 on that. Breaker, breaker, there’s a smoky in the granny lane on the I-5 near the Grapevine.

Uh, sorry folks, Cornelius is obsessed with trucker’s slang. Just ignore that. But what you shouldn’t ignore is Cornelius’ advice on which company you should call for problem pests. Take it away, Cornelius … (awkward pause). Come on, Cornelius, tell the people who they should call when they need help with pests.

CORNELIUS: When you need help … git on down to Bobby’s Big Rig Emporium, serving the tri-state area since 1952.

Gosh darn it, Cornelius! Can’t you once in your cursed life do what your told and tell the people to call Home Defenders! Don’t you know who butters your bread? Get with the program!

Sorry for that outburst, readers. Just be sure to check back next week when I explain—in painstaking, sadistic detail—how to get rid of a problem rat.

CORNELIUS: Negatory on that, you’d go crazy without me.

10-4 on that, Cornelius. 10-4 on that, good buddy.

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