Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, this is pest reporter Johnny Fellini coming to you live from the 87th Annual League of Grandmothers Cutesy Awards, celebrating the mountain’s cutest critters. We’ve been waiting a year for the winners, so let’s get to the ceremony.
4th runner up: Baby lizards. (Johnny: “Ooh, the voters finally recognized lizards, a clear nod to the fact that, just like the good folks at Home Defenders, these tiny dinosaurs control ants and spiders. And anyone who has shooed a baby lizard out of their garage can vouch for how cute they are. Bravo!”)
3rd runner up: Pygmy owls. (Johnny: Wow, I cannot believe my ears! Sure, pigmy owls are adorable, but they prey on chickadees and that makes this a bold choice. The voters are sending a strong message that Mother Nature knows best.”)
2nd runner up: Great horned owls. (Johnny: “Oh. My. Gosh. With so many choices, the voters picked two different owls… and I predict that there will be blowback from those radical four-legged animal aficionados. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s what they said about Galileo so I’m right too.”)
1st runner up: Bobcats. (Johnny: “Yep, this is the safe choice. Not only are bobcats beautiful, they also control pests like rats and mice… and the well-behaved felines don’t pee on your Maserati rims like mountain lions and that really happened to my cousin Mario and he had to get new rims.”)
And the winner is: Flying squirrels. (Johnny: They’re furry, they have the eyes of an angel, and they glide from tree to tree. I would call them gorgeous… if they’d only stop getting into our attics and pooping all over the place. This is Johnny Fellini, advising you to put a cover on your Maserati and see you next year!”)