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Governor’s spokesperson: “Good morning, TV viewers and members of the press. May I present the governor of California.”

“Thanks, Rick. After consulting with the esteemed Dr. Fauci—Billy Bob Fauci from Tru TV’s hit show Hollywood Horse Doctor—as well as pundits from the pest control industry, I have decided to issue a stay-in-nest order for all rats, mice, and ants. Unlike my stay-at-home order for humans, this mandate shall be enforced—by firing squad. Hey pests, stay the bleep out of our stored foods. I hope this warning is as stark as the toilet paper aisle…”

Wouldn’t it be great, readers, if an act of law could stop pests from munching on our stored foods. It can’t, so here’s what you can do for yourself:

>>Cut tree branches. Both ants and rodents use tree branches as a highway into your home. If you can’t afford to hire a professional, buy a trimmer at the hardware store. Remember my motto: Cut that limb, or your home is a jungle gym! 

>>Seal openings. Grab a flashlight, go into your buildup—during the daytime—and turn off the lights. Look for daylight coming through openings, then seal those openings with a sealant like Big Stretch. If the openings are large, use that polyurethane foam sold at hardware stores. It’s better than nothing. If your buildup is a low crawl space, walk the exterior foundation of your home and seal every opening you can find. Tip: overkill is better than underkill.

>>Call us for help. With spring weather and ant invasions just around the corner, now is a great time to get on a monthly or quarterly service. If you’ve lost your job due to the coronavirus lockdown, call our office and we’ll work out a payment plan. 

Finally, I know crazy is the new normal, but if any lunatic is planning to line blindfolded mice against a wall and start blasting… please keep my name out of it.

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