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Governor’s spokesperson: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Fresh off his humanitarian aid sabbatical, may I present the governor of our great state:

“Well, hello, everybody. Wow, you all look younger—how did you do that? Anyway, we’re turning the corner on this pandemic and the polls are looking good, so… regarding my previous press conference. It turns out I accidentally overdosed on cough syrup and my brain went full lollapalooza… darned codeine. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we need to get some political guts and outlaw that brain numbing scourge!”

“Also, it appears I called the great folks of this state ‘bozos.’ There’s a simple explanation because moments before my press conference I gave a pep talk to out-of-work Bozo the Clown imitators and I honestly forgot who I was talking to. And if anyone doesn’t believe in supporting hard-working, blue-collar men and women who slip on banana peels, well, you need to recalibrate your moral compass!”

“Regarding my comment that I own a palatial chateau in France purchased under a fake name, well, I misspoke. In fact, my wife and I own a small chalet that we bought in her maiden name. It seems that… it’s against the law for a standing United States governor to buy property in France… the law is written in scratchy old medieval French so there’s no point looking it up. Geez, France, I know you have a storied history, but get with the 21st Century!”

“In closing, friends, our noble American ancestors not only cherished freedom, truth, and love of God and country. No, they cherished the greatest gift a human can bestow upon another: the gift of forgiveness. Thank you, and hang in there, everybody, we’re almost over the hump. Peace out and stay gorgeous, California.”

Spokesperson: Thank you, Mr. Governor. We’ll see you folks tomorrow for the governor’s special pep talk: “Forty ways to have fun when the stay-at-home order is lifted.” Goodbye, please stay home… and remember the good times to come.

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