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Governor’s spokesperson: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. May I present the governor for his daily COVID-19 briefing:

“Well, this coronavirus thing is going in the crapper and the latest polls make it clear that unless this virus takes a U-turn into outer space every elected official on earth is getting booted out of office.” (The governor pulls a bottle out of his pocket and takes a swig.) 

“Hell, our ancestors got on covered wagons and headed west and fought Apaches and scarlet fever and typhoid and God knows what else. A hundred stinking years later, a flu bug goes around and people rush to Costco and hoard paper towels. Mankind has gotten a little soft, huh?”

“I miss… (holding back tears)… I miss the days of unexplored lands, when maps were forged with old-fashioned guts. I miss the days when men wore bears skins and faced the savage unknown and fought cougars and sang bawdy songs and slept to the roar of stormy rivers.” 

“These days, we sit behind computers and book flights and wear puffy jackets and fasten our seat belts and order the tofu salad and we dare call that adventure. Don’t forget your hand sanitizer!” 

“So, you’re going to vote me out of office, huh? Well, I’ll get the last laugh, because I own a chateau on the French Riviera and I’ll be lounging on a beach flanked by babes while you bozos are scrounging for toilet paper. And you won’t find me because I bought it under a fake name and it’s all legal—rank hath its privileges, baby.”

“Good luck with your next governor… last week she was selling doggy diapers on eBay. I’m sure she’ll hold down the fort while civilization falls apart. Adios, suckers, I am out of here.”

Governor’s spokesperson: Uh, thank you, Mr. Governor for that inspirational talk. Please check back tomorrow, folks, when the governor will speak on the theme “Our future together shines brightly.” Oh, and no questions today. Goodbye, stay safe, and please, stay home.

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