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OK, folks, after months of waiting, it’s finally here. I know I’m ready. The question is: Are you ready? Because after the wettest winter in decades, spring is busting out all over and randy bugs are makin’ bacon like makin’ bacon is going out of style. (Once in my high school we teens lost interest in makin’ bacon when an overzealous lunch lady was caught spiking our food with saltpeter. Big scandal.) Our phones are ringing off the hook and it’s work, work, work. The only fun I can have is teaching you readers how to help prevent pest invasions. I promise the lessons won’t be as boring as, well … sitting in high school Sex Ed class under the influence of saltpeter.

My first pest recommendation is to cut back tree branches that touch your home. I’ve found so many ant trails on branches we should change the words “tree branch” to “ant highway.” The folks at Webster’s might disagree, but if they rode along with us Home Defenders for a week, they’d be singing a different tune.

Now, for the love of Pete, put down that newspaper, grab a shovel, and dig accumulated soil away from the wood parts of your home. Wood keeps your home standing tall, and dirt rots wood. Dirt is the gift that keeps on giving … to contractors who repair homes damaged by wood rot. 

Finally, please clean those piles of pine needles off your roof. Competing ant colonies fight territorial wars for that prime real estate, then raid your kitchen. They’ll thank you for the mini Snickers and add, “Now get us some Hershey’s Kisses, too.”

Well, that was fun—as much fun as I have these days, anyhow. Happily, all that saltpeter has finally worked its way out of my system so at least I can drive down to the beach on Sundays and ogle pretty girls.

Hey, whaddya know, makin’ bacon is interesting after all!

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