My name is Matt Saticoy and I’m a detective with the Los Angeles Police Department in the year of our Lord 1952. I can handle an angry dame poking a stiletto at my jugular or a jealous husband swinging a baseball bat at my noggin, but I go bonkers at the sight of a spider. My shrink says I have a “phobia,” whatever that means.
I was headed to Cole’s in downtown LA last week for a French dipped sandwich when Captain Gordley barked words I hate to hear.
“Saticoy, get your keister over to the carnival in Pomona. There’s a dead body upstaging the freaks.”
Nuts! The last time I went to the carnival I took one gander at the spiders in the freak show pavilion and I passed out into the bearded lady’s derriere. Not a good place to be.
I’ve seen this flick before, so I phoned those Home Defenders, the ones with the stories in the newspaper. They get the job done!
After the spiders were blasted to kingdom come, I started my investigation. It turned out the whole affair was a put-on. You see, the strongman had been involved in a sordid love triangle with the Siamese twins and the one-armed geek. Whenever the geek went onstage, screaming like a banshee and biting the heads off snakes and chickens, the strongman—intent on stealing the geek’s thunder—would change into a dead body disguise and draw the audience away from the geek. The ruse almost cost the geek his job and geek jobs are rare—a far cry from the 1920s when geek shows played presidential inaugurations and royal weddings.
We charged the strongman with impersonating a corpse for immoral purposes. He was convicted and old judge Kowalski sentenced him to return to the freak show. The case was closed, but I’ll leave it to you, reader, to try and make sense of this crazy freak show of a world we live in. Have a spider free week, everyone!